Real Signs That a Guy is Into You

Yahoo! had an article the other day that listed 10 clues to let a woman know when a guy is interested in her. Who wouldn't want privileged information like that? In this fast-paced world, any little bit of insight that will give you an edge in understanding the male psyche is sure to be welcomed with open arms.

Some of these earth-shattering gems included 'returning your phone calls' and 'looking out for acts of selflessness.' You hear that girls? If he doesn't answer any of your phone calls, that's apparently now considered a bad thing. I hope you have your pens and pads out!

Strike two? Selfish guys who could care less about what it is that matters to you! Apparently this is also considered a bad trait.

But there was one glaring omission from the list. It took my discriminating eye and masterful intellect to notice it, but here it is: common sense.

I know, I know - a shocker, right? The irony about common sense is that it's not so common - at least not when it comes to relationships.

For example, let's say you applied for a job. A week after applying and going in for an interview, you still haven't heard a peep from the company you applied with. Sad as that may be, your intuition should tell you that they weren't interested in hiring you and that you should continue your job search else where. No, their silence is not an indication that they're playing hard-to-get. They aren't going to change their mind and you can't do anything to change that. And if you're still not convinced, a second unreturned phone call call should do the trick.

Does this happen when it comes to relationships? Hardly. If a girl doesn't return a guy's phone call a week after a first date, she is NOT waiting for the right opportunity to spring in and surprise you with her affection, like some mysterious love rapist. She is simply not interested. It's not even a hint - it's a statement.

Do you need a fancy Yahoo! relationship article to tell you that? Of course not. But you'll read it and refer to it for guidance anyway, because people prefer to talk and read about relationships rather than actually be in them. It's more entertaining than using common sense.

What a Man Is

A good friend of mine passed on an article to me today by a writer for Esquire magazine called "Five essential characteristics that define a real man." Good thing, too, because had he not, my manhood would be in limbo at this very moment, along with my testicles. Apparently our breed is a simple one and can be defined in short, punchy sentences. Because, duh, that's how a real man speaks. Like a Geico caveman with an English degree.

Then they try the "he's not this, but that" method. "Caring, but not soft." "Strong, but not overbearing." Blah blah blah, go suck my ass.

You want my take on "what a man is"? I'm gonna give it to you. And I won't tell you what he's not. I also won't try to balance it out by comparing and contrasting his qualities.

WHAT DEFINES A MAN

He cares about his salary, not his job. He is ready for sex at all times and will only exhibit restraint and patience if a woman says he has to. He cooks because he likes to, not because he thinks it'll impress women, but he will exploit it to no end.

He doesn't like guys who are better than him. He likes the idea of fighting, but only when he thinks he can win.

He's more concerned with having an image than a sense of style.

A man loves breasts. Unequivocally and until the end of time. If you think a guy has committment issues, you're wrong - he's loved breasts since the day he was born and will continue to love them until he dies.

A man could care less about the unsightly lines and creases that cause you to be self-conscious. Unless you're fat. Men don't like fat.

He loves being right. He likes to break things. He'd rather hang out with his guy friends than his girlfriend, unless there's sex or warm food involved. He likes to collect things.

He loves his mother. He loves her in a way that few could ever comprehend. He has few women who he cares deeply about, but will defend and protect those few with his life.

A man loves food. He freaking loves food.

CLIFF'S NOTES VERSION

Okay, so if you didn't feel like reading that whole thing, here's the abridged version:

MEN LOVE WARM FOOD AND BREASTS.

That's basically it.

Welcome to The Grocery Informative

To celebrate the launch of this new, exciting Web site, I figured that I'd write the whole thing in Webdings. But then I realized that it would be totally illegible and completely pointless. So instead, I've opted to use a serifed typeface in the standard English language. I'm sure you'll love it.

So what exactly is the Grocery Informative? Who the hell knows?! I don't think anyone does, really. The original founders of the Informative knew what they were doing when they started it, but much like Outback Steakhouse, they determined that there'd be no rules; just right.

At this point, you're probably really confused. And I can say with assured confidence that after two full paragraphs, I have said absolutely nothing worth reading. I hope you're satisfied knowing that I have just wasted a full minute of your day.

But as the tagline of this blog suggests, the Grocery Informative will be home to written thoughts and opinions about topics that are important to all of us, but with a twist. The difference is that what I say can be deemed offensive, insensitive, hilarious, or all three. It's like a newspaper on performance enhancing drugs.

So be sure to add this URL to your Twitter feed, your RSS feed, your mom's kitchen post-it pad, or whatever. Visit often. Just like groceries, this blog will surely fill you up. Except it won't cost you anything. And you won't gain any calories. So in fact, this blog has nothing to do with groceries, but you'll shut up and like it anyway.