What a Man Is

A good friend of mine passed on an article to me today by a writer for Esquire magazine called "Five essential characteristics that define a real man." Good thing, too, because had he not, my manhood would be in limbo at this very moment, along with my testicles. Apparently our breed is a simple one and can be defined in short, punchy sentences. Because, duh, that's how a real man speaks. Like a Geico caveman with an English degree.

Then they try the "he's not this, but that" method. "Caring, but not soft." "Strong, but not overbearing." Blah blah blah, go suck my ass.

You want my take on "what a man is"? I'm gonna give it to you. And I won't tell you what he's not. I also won't try to balance it out by comparing and contrasting his qualities.

WHAT DEFINES A MAN

He cares about his salary, not his job. He is ready for sex at all times and will only exhibit restraint and patience if a woman says he has to. He cooks because he likes to, not because he thinks it'll impress women, but he will exploit it to no end.

He doesn't like guys who are better than him. He likes the idea of fighting, but only when he thinks he can win.

He's more concerned with having an image than a sense of style.

A man loves breasts. Unequivocally and until the end of time. If you think a guy has committment issues, you're wrong - he's loved breasts since the day he was born and will continue to love them until he dies.

A man could care less about the unsightly lines and creases that cause you to be self-conscious. Unless you're fat. Men don't like fat.

He loves being right. He likes to break things. He'd rather hang out with his guy friends than his girlfriend, unless there's sex or warm food involved. He likes to collect things.

He loves his mother. He loves her in a way that few could ever comprehend. He has few women who he cares deeply about, but will defend and protect those few with his life.

A man loves food. He freaking loves food.

CLIFF'S NOTES VERSION

Okay, so if you didn't feel like reading that whole thing, here's the abridged version:

MEN LOVE WARM FOOD AND BREASTS.

That's basically it.